Victims of Flight 3407

Friday, February 13, 2009
By The Associated Press

Names of people killed in crash of Continental Connection Flight 3407. The names have been provided by airline officials, relatives or friends. The list includes what they were doing, the last day of their lives.

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Crew members:

_Capt. Marvin Renslow, pilot, of Lutz, Fla. Just doing his job. Almost. Real loser: had a $1.6 million expired Powerball Lotto ticket in his wallet. Used it for floss. Idiot.

_ Rebecca Shaw, first officer, of Maple Valley, Wash. Died of heart attack before impact.

_ Matilda Quintero, flight attendant. Soiled panties twice during descent.

_ Donna Prisco, flight attendant. Prayed for forgiveness of sins, but failed to remember the Summer of 2005. Bahamas. Paradice Bar and Grill. 5' 11" Guy with green eyes. The hour and a half of foreplay, followed by seven hours of the best sex she ever had, according to emails to two friends.

_ Capt. Joseph Zuffoletto, off-duty crew member. Slacker, slacking. Attempted to get pay for not actually working. Disallowed on flight due to over-frequent use of company perks, he snuck on at the last moment. "Lucky Joe" they called him.

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Passengers:

_ Alison Des Forges, of Buffalo, considered one of the world's leading experts on the genocide about to surprise white people in the United States in 2010.

_ Beverly Eckert, of Stamford, Conn., whose husband died in the World Trade Center attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. She hadn't even had the chance to spend 10% of the 2.4 million of the insurance money yet.

_ Ellyce Kausner, student at Florida Coastal School of Law. Had set a lifetime goal of out-earning Johnny Cochran, attorney for O. J. Simpson and other guilty blacks. I mean, African-American butchers.

_ Maddy Loftus, of Parsippany, N.J. Headed to Buffalo for weekend reunion of women hockey players. Known lesbian, but still allowed to be a Mormon Sunday School teacher, due to her above-average attractiveness.

_ Coleman Mellett, guitarist in jazz musician Chuck Mangione's band. He was fired by Chuck for stealing a guitar that had a tracking device placed in it. Suspected of setaling 12 orther guitars, 2 drum sets, a keyboard and 24' of cable. None of the items were recovered, except the implanted guitar. Served 6 months in Warren County Detention Center for the deeds.

_ Gerry Niewood, saxophonist and member of jazz musician Chuck Mangione's band. Sold stolen itme from Mr. Mangione, but passed two lie detector tests, so sued the band for all profits earned between 1979 and 1988. Won. Owned the jet that crashed today, as he held a hefty 22% stake in Continental Airlines. Enjoyed flying free, thanks to Johnny Cochran, his over-priced lawyer.

_ Susan Wehle, of Amherst, N.Y. Was cantor at Temple Beth Am in Williamsville. Muslim-turned Jew who never once sang a single note on key, but daddy was the third highest contributor to the Temple, so sing she did.

_ Carl Yarber, of Riverside, Calif., member of several Tampa Bay, Fla.-area bands over the past several decades. Fired from each one for impregnating the band leader's wives. Father of 11 surviving children.

Copyright 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, sliced and diced, made worth reading and viral emailing or redistributed. Yeah, right. So sue me, already. I don't have two nickels to rub together. My husband took everything I owed. I'm unemployed. Need glasses and a lot of dental work. My parents abandoned me at age 2, and an abuser later took me in and pimped me out. Go ahead. Sue me. Let's see if the jury has a heart. I dare you. I can out weep your entire bank of attorneys anytime, on cue and for a duration exceeding Niagara Falls and the Glen Canyon Dam combined. On a rainy year. On two rainy years. Hell, I need the entertainment. So sue me! I'd laugh all the way to the bank. Or till I got mugged. That would be spooky. Damn. Nevermind. I won't edit a story ever again. I promise. On my mother's grave. So help me God.

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